Gratitude

Seeing as I’m struggling so much right now, I’m going to try to focus on the positives of today. I haven’t been too good about this lately. I actually already typed a whole lot, but that blog was taking a very deep, beautiful thought provoking journey that was a little too personal and a little too time consuming since I HAVE to get to sleep soon!

So, here goes. I’m only going to focus on the good things with the boyfriend because he’s what I’m struggling with so much right now. Sometimes it can be hard to see the good when you have resentment growing inside you insisting you focus on the bad and analyze every little thing. So, take this resentment. I’m analyzing the good things!

Today certainly wasn’t perfect. There were many things to be grateful for though. I’ll try to keep this short and sweet!

Today I had a moment where my thoughts were really taking a dark path. I was angry and really picking the negativity of the day to pieces over and over again in my mind. Then somehow, my mind took a turn down some really random thoughts about the past and how far I’ve come. Then I came to realize what a strong spirit I have. Ugh, this is going to get too time consuming. I need sleep! Let me just say this. Lately, I keep feeling like the boyfriend is putting out my flame…my umph…It isn’t true though. No one can do that to you unless you allow them to! I began wondering, ‘when did I begin behaving more reserved around him?’ Oh darn it, I can’t sum this up simply enough. Let me just get to the main point: I owe him a LOT. He got me out of a really bad place in my life. I went from being a girl with no real place to call home, no job opportunities except one who wanted to hire me but had no work available so I was on hold for months :P, and I was surrounded by misery. Thanks to him, I was able to move to a better area with numerous job opportunities. I was able to get into an excellent program to further my education and get a better career. I was accepted into an amazing family that I often don’t appreciate enough. This was something I really needed, because since the death of my mom I’ve felt like I have no family myself except my dad. I’ve made some great friends, thanks to him. Most importantly, thanks to him, I’ve been able to build a solid foundation for myself again. He isn’t perfect. He lacks patience. He says really hurtful things when he’s nervous or frustrated. He can be incredibly selfish in many ways. However, when it comes down to it, he always provides what I really need. Whether it be a safe place to call home or a hug. When my laptop died just before I started back to college the first time, he bought me a computer so I could do my online tests. When my car died and I was going to go into debt to get one, he managed to get me a really cheap car that’s been a great car until I can save enough to buy another. Now, today, he bought a vehicle and he’s letting me use his old vehicle until I get another. This one is much nice than the one I’ve been driving 😛 There are just so many instances where he’s really looked out for me. He is the #1 reason I’ve been able to build a better life for myself the last couple of years. Sure, a lot of credit goes to myself for being persistent and accomplishing things. However, I could NEVER have done any of this without him. He’s always looking out for what I really need. I am so grateful to him for that.

Today he bought me food since I’d gone on this long trip with him to drive his car back in case he bought the new vehicle. He’s a bit of a tightwad, I won’t lie. Usually he only wants me to order something cheap. Today I ordered something much more pricey though and he didn’t object at all! I was very happy over this little moment 😛

Seeing him with his niece today made me very happy. He’s so great with children. In all honesty, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy so great with kids. Well, ANYONE so great with kids. lol. Sometimes I do worry about his temper. He has no filter and he phrases things in ways that sound incredibly harsh and hurtful at times. However, I do believe he would be an excellent father. He’d be the best ever if he could learn to control his temper by then 😛

Well, I’m sure there are other sweet things….like when he tricked me into giving him a kiss earlier. That was cute! Or when he talked about how kissing me goodnight was his favorite time of night. lol. Or when he was telling me random facts about the history of dentistry that I never knew he knew! Or hearing him call his mom “mama bear”….yeah, there were lots of cute little sweet moments despite the jerky ones 😛

Now, I have to get to sleep! I should’ve been asleep an hour ago. What an awful attempt at a blog. I pity any soul who tries to read this!

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Forgiveness

This past week has been a rough one. I’ve had the security and stability blown out from beneath me, my heart tossed around like some kind of yo yo and so much hurt inflicted on top of it all.

Two days ago I was ready to dump my boyfriend and move on. After three years together, I was just ready to give up. How many times can a heart be bruised? How many times can it be ripped open and stitched up? How many scars can it bear and yet still beat with strength and passion? Those are the wrong questions though. Those are pity party questions. Those are thoughts trapping you in the role of the victim. Never be the victim. You are always in control of your life. Most importantly, you are always in control of YOU. You have to know when to fight and when to take flight. There is no getting through this life unscathed, but you’re only a victim as long as you allow yourself to be. So don’t. Just don’t.

We can get so caught up in our heartaches that we become blind to the bigger picture. Relationships are never perfect. Sure, some couples argue a lot less than others. Every relationship has its problems though. Rather than comparing them to what we see on television, social media, or displayed by our friends we have to be able to know what we can tolerate. What one person can accept, another cannot. What one person will love, another will not. We all have faults. The trick is finding someone that we can love, imperfections and all.

I think too often people don’t realize how much their own flaws are feeding the flaws of their significant other. We see their actions, hear their words and allow ourselves to feel numerous negative reactions. If left unresolved, this can build into resentment and angst which then just feeds into our own further flawed reactions. It’s a vicious cycle.

Sometimes, when we want better from our significant others we have to focus more on our own behaviors. We have to set a better example. We have to give what we want to receive. I know, I know – you’re thinking how much you’re already giving and how little you’re getting. How much more can you possible give?! You’re feeling you barely have enough of yourself left for YOU, much less to give it out to someone who clearly isn’t appreciating it. I know, I’m feeling the same way right now a lot of the time! I get it. However, sometimes it’s this very feeling that hinders our ability to see how much our partners are giving of themselves.

So then, what are the right questions? That’s the tricky part. You have to look deeply into the flaws of your relationship and question where the roots are sprouting from. For instance, a big one for me is, ‘What am I doing that is making him lose his respect for me?’ To figure this out, I have to understand his priorities. Priorities are not the same for every person! For example, for a while I thought perhaps he was resenting me mostly because I’ve had so little time to keep up with the house work since I’ve started my new job. So, I began throwing myself into chores the second I got home from work, even if it was after 10pm! He didn’t care about that though. I felt even more unappreciated and like I’d never be able to make him happy. Then, I came to learn that he doesn’t even see the same messes I do! lol. The whole house can be a disaster, but so long as the kitchen is spotless we have an immaculate house in his eyes 😛 So then, where was the resentment stemming from? Food. You know that timeless phrase, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” It holds so much more truth than I ever knew! With my new work schedule, I’m rarely EVER home before 7pm. So I haven’t been cooking dinner more than once or twice a week. After lots of coercion I finally got enough out of him to discover that one of his top priorities is food. He remembers his favorite meals that I’ve made throughout our relationship even better than his favorite sexual rendezvous. For real! Food is THAT important to him. So, I’m currently trying to figure out how I’m going to start prepping meals for the whole month and where on earth I’ll be able to store them all. I start school in 7 days and my schedule is going to be a lot of days where I’m out of the house from 7:30a-10:30p. There’s no time for cooking! Where there’s a will, there’s a way though!

I think the most important types of questions to focus on are things like “How can I set a better example?” “How can I get what I want from my partner while demonstrating the same in return?” “Am I doing anything that is causing this specific reaction?” It’s easy to be completely unaware of a mistake we’re making. That’s why it’s so important to analyze our own behaviors when critiquing our partner’s. I didn’t even realize that I have a tendency to roll my eyes or sigh obnoxiously…a lot…lol. In my defense, when I’m doing these sighs they’re really me releasing the stress while holding my tongue from hateful remarks 😛 However, a sigh can say so much more than words! I might as well just scream out a stream of insults.

I had a lot more I wanted to express in this blog, but it’s very late, I’m very tired, and I have to be up very early for a 2 hour car ride! Just another example of the sacrifices we make for love. With my crazy hectic schedule, I FINALLY found a time for an appointment I’m really need to make within the next month. However, the boyfriend really needs me tomorrow, so I’m cancelling my appointment and going with him. Hopefully I’ll find another chance to get it done with one of my 6 days off before the deadline!

Relationships are work….selflessness….kindness…fighting that urge to say hurtful things when we’re hurt….sacrifices. If we aren’t willing to work for it, we aren’t worthy of it.

Bedtime calls world! Goodnight and good luck in all of your own personal relationships. If you have any words of wisdom from your own experiences, do share!

Alone? I’ve Got This

I’ve had so many amazing ideas for this blog. Unfortunately, I always either lack the time or I’m just too scatterbrained to type the sort of blog I’ve been aspiring to create. Isn’t this the story of most new bloggers? Ce la vie!

So I’ve decided, I’m just going to let this blog take on a life of it’s own! I hope over time I’ll be able to spread some light into your lives…No, OUR lives. Let’s face it, I often learn a lot about myself while typing/writing. Especially since these days I don’t allow much time for self-reflection in my life. It tends to just lead to over-analyzation! I have a real problem there. I’ve worked very hard to get some grip of control over my positive and negative thoughts throughout the last year or so though, and I’ve really made a lot of progress! You can’t be happy ALL the time though, you know?

Lately I’ve had a particular concept bouncing around in my mind. Truthfully, it all boils down to perception. Doesn’t everything? Perception IS everything. So here I am now, at this point where I have to choose which perception is my reality. Yeah, that’s right. You absolutely create your own reality every day. Every decision you make, every action you take, every reaction you have….you process each and every little thing and YOU decide whether each day, experience, person, etc is good or bad. Once you understand that, it makes it so much easier to step back sometimes and look at something from a neutral standpoint and decide how you’re actually going to let it impact your life. You are in control of your mind, your happiness, and in effect- your entire life.

So yeah, what’s this little pesky little concept poking at my brain right now and shouting, ‘Hey you! What do you think?! Is it true? How do you want to let this effect you?!’

Well, I think the easiest way to paint this picture for you is to tell you about something I saw earlier today. There was this adorable framed family portrait. It was unique in the sense that rather than have the entire family stand together for one photo, it featured the great grandmother holding a picture of the grandmother, who was in turn holding a picture of the mother, who was holding a picture of her baby girl….I thought it was such a beautiful concept. Positively full of love and adorable!

So what would mine look like? Well, my mother struggled to have a child so she was 41 when she finally had me. Therefore, I never met any of my great grandparents. My one grandmother who lived long enough to know me, my mama’s mother, was an amazingly sweet woman. She passed away one month after I graduated high school though. Then, my mama passed away back in 2011. While I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a mother, I still have yet to experience that dream. I never dreamed it would be this hard to settle down responsibly and have a child. Sure, I could’ve gone out and gotten pregnant easily over the years 😛 lol. I’m not that kind of girl though. So, what does this picture leave me with? Me. Simply a photo of me.

All alone.

I suppose that’s what this all truly boils down to. I keep feeling this odd sense of solitude. Not necessarily loneliness. Yet, I feel alone. I feel, at the end of the day, all I have is myself. This isn’t true though. I have an amazing father who loves me and would do anything in the world for me. I have a boyfriend whom I know loves me and provides me with safety and stability. I have genuine friends I know I can always count on. I have lots of people in my life who support me and truly care.

There is something that no one prepares you for as you grow older though; the fact that no matter how amazing the people in your life are, eventually lives tread down different paths. The longer your path remains different from the path of others in your life, the more alone you find yourself. Plus, it’s harder to make new friends as you get older.

I was on the same path as others for a while. I got married, made a lot of memories with my married friends, had so many things in common with the people in my life…..Then, I got divorced. Funny how one decision can destruct the entire foundation of your life. Suddenly, married friends are no longer your friends anymore. The ones who are no longer share things in common with you anymore until eventually you don’t even feel comfortable around them.

So then, I started making new friends. Single friends and friends who were in relationships but NOT engaged or married. I had so much in common with them! It was so nice to finally have people in my life again that knew what I was experiencing…to feel understood and accepted. Then, one by one over time, friends got married….friends had babies…friends got engaged….I’m now down to only one again who is in a relationship yet not engaged. Little by little I’m seeing the differences between us all growing, the drift between us growing wider. I’m ok with it for the time being. Yet, I can’t help but wonder, ‘When will it be my turn? When can I finally join others on that beautiful path? When will I no longer be the odd girl out?’

It isn’t really about catching up with anyone. It’s not even entirely about getting married. I just want my life to have a bigger purpose, to be a part of something. I don’t need to have a huge impact on the world. I just want to wake up each morning knowing there is another life relying on me, needing me, wanting me, loving me…even at times hating me, lol. I want a child so badly. I want a family. Right now, it’s just me. And the boyfriend, but he’s kind of a solitary independent fella. I could be happy if that family portrait only had me holding a picture of my baby. BUT, for now I will try to remain patient. Who knows, by this time next year everything could be so very different. Maybe then will be the perfect timing. (Like there ever is such a thing, lol) Sure, I’ll be 30 by then, but people have children in their 30’s all the time these days. It is definitely not what I had dreamed of, but sometimes life turns out better than our dreams. By this time next year I’ll be finished with the dental program and everything will be much calmer. I’ll have amazing benefits by then from my current job, hopefully I’ll have a dental assistant job by then, and I should have a little money tucked away. Maybe my boyfriend and I will finally get married and be ready to start a family then. Also, we’re planning to move in the spring so by this time next year we should be moved and settled into our forever home. It all sounds so perfect in my mind. However, plans that require other people are NEVER predictable. You know what they say about doing something yourself to make sure it’s done how you want it. You can’t marry yourself or impregnate yourself though, can you?! lol. (Unless you have LOTS of money and donor sperm :P) Besides, would I want to be pregnant while doing an intense dental program? No, I would not! lol.

This all boils down to one simple truth right now. Am I happy in this little space in the universe that I alone encompass or am I unhappy with my alone-ness? Well, they say you can never truly be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself. So, I CHOOSE to be happy. I choose to accept the fact that, while my life isn’t where I want it to be right now, I have a lot to be grateful for. I choose to carry the knowledge that at any moment I can change the course of my future. I choose to understand that life is a journey, not a destination. We have to enjoy each moment without sabotaging it with regrets of the past or frets over the future. The future isn’t written! We are writing it this very minute! So let’s make it a wonderful future…

I have myself….and that’s really all I need to build a solid foundation for the rest of my dreams to be built on. 🙂 I know it’s going to be amazing. Aren’t the best things in life worth the wait?

The Birth of A Blog

As I sit here in the dark hearing nothing but the soothing hum of the box fan and looking at this bright, blank space I can’t help but simultaneously feel a little overwhelmed yet excited. With this being my first blog here, the possibilities are endless. I have so many beautiful ideals and goals, so many whimsical fantasies of how much I could potentially help or inspire others. I hope in time this can be my place to make ripples that will spread throughout the lives of others. I hope that I can spread hope, compassion, happiness….and a little weirdness, lol. I don’t really care about ‘collecting’ followers, making money off of blogging, becoming ‘famous’ or anything of that nature. I just want to spread love and positivity! We have enough negativity in this world already. Sure, I may vent from time to time, but I hope to only do so in an effort to learn a lesson and/or teach a lesson!

I feel as though I should introduce myself, being a newb and all. Truth is, I would really like to remain anonymous. I’ve had a private blog for the past 5 years with a grand total of 7 loyal followers, lol. Of those 7, they were all granted access to read it based on trust. However, that site has now eliminated their blogging section and I’ve been thrown out to sea with nothing but my thoughts. At first I was a little frustrated…I even considered giving up writing. It is such a huge part of me though. Sure, I may not be a masterful weaver of words or an artful storyteller who paints pictures in your mind, but writing has always been my release. It’s how I cope, how I learn, how I understand myself and the world around me….and over time I’ve realized that I really can help others with my experiences. Therefore, I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve been forced to share my thoughts with the world rather than hide them away in secret. I’m no guru, but I CARE- and sometimes that’s all we really need. Oh hey, what happened with this introduction?! lol.

Ok, so- about me! Well, I’m just a girl in the world trying to be all she can be. (and now all I can hear in my mind is that song Just A Girl by No Doubt. Love it!) Seeing as I’d like to remain anonymous, I’ll just share a random list of things about myself. Just something to let you get a small glimpse into the person behind this blog. Beginning with my next post, I would like to share life lessons with you….ways to find happiness…inspirations….and even some entirely random rambles, lol. I find that often, my most insane rambles reveal the most incredible epiphanies!

Alrighty then, here’s 100 random things about me!

1. We’ll start off with a simple one – My favorite colors are pink, yellow, and grey…in no particular order
2. I’m a girly girl, but certainly not high maintenance!
3. I’m not afraid of some hard work or getting dirty
4. I help my boyfriend fix up houses that he then rents out.
5. I love bumblebees. So cute, fuzzy, and I want to cuddle them!!! But they sting:P
6. I try to be smart, but feel pretty average.
7. I’m excited to begin the dental assisting program in August!
8. I feel like I’m always battling procrastination. I won’t do it later, I’ll do it now! Sheesh.
9. I love to explore!!!
10. I lived in England for a month and half….it was amazing.
11. I was always a country girl, but I like the city too.
12. I love sour candy, but am trying to eat less junk food.
13. I’m really interested in meal prep right now and am super excited to get my deep freeze so I can get started!
14. I LOVE cooking and presenting food in fun, aesthetic ways…for periods of time. Then I HATE cooking for periods of time in between. lol.
15. I love anything SPARKLY!!! Yes, please!
16. I’m 29, but feel no older than 26.
17. People often insist I look no older than 23. I’ll take it! lol
18. I have crooked toes and am a wee bit insecure about them.
19. My mom died August 30, 2011.…
20. I am divorced…it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever endured.
21. I am very blessed to have a handful of the most truly amazing, genuine friends in the entire world. THAT is something not many people can be so sure of.
22. I was in a very serious, beautiful relationship with a girl for about a year.
23. I don’t label myself straight, lesbian, or bisexual. I am just me.
24. One of the things I want more than anything in the world is to be a mother.
25. I feel like my boyfriend is never going to propose and I fear getting too old to have children…
26. I love music of all kinds. Except death metal…not so much!
27. In my dream world, I would be a secondary music educator or some form of music conductor.
28. I am a YouTube sensation in the middle east:P lol
29. I love to sing.
30. I’m terrible at math.
31. I can play the piano, barely.
32. I can draw….so slowly that I rarely ever do it, lol.
33. I tend to get a little pedantic about doing things a particular way, which results in my being very slow sometimes and getting annoyed for taking too long 😛
34. I’m on a huge hot air balloon kick right now. LOVE them!
35. I love thrift shopping! Goodwill, YES!
36. I am a terrible dancer.
37. I recently started a new job and I’m loving it!
38. For a long while, the only thing I truly felt tethered to in this world was nature, it brought me peace.
39. I struggled with depression for a time…overcoming it truly changed my life!
40. I’ve learned that I’m incredibly adaptable and can handle anything life throws my way.
41. I believe what doesn’t kill you truly DOES make you stronger!
42. I love bodies of water and the sounds they make.
43. I love swimming
44. I knew how to swim before I could walk
45. I love the sound of peep frogs in the evening/at night
46. I love the sound of the whippoorwill
47. People often call me smiley, sunshine, and various happy, upbeat nicknames.
48. I love tiers/crystals and the way that when the sun shines through them it casts rainbows all over the place.
49. I love rainbows.
50. I love watching shooting stars and always look forward to meteor showers.
51. I finally saw a total lunar eclipse this year!!!
52. I love camping
53. I love bonfires
54. I am a terrible fisherwoman, but I like to try! I just feel bad for the fish when I catch them.
55. I intend to ride an elephant through the jungles of India one day.
56. I hate being cold more than anything in the entire world.
57. One winter I was actually allergic to the cold. True story. For real.
58. I love flowers. My favorites are peonies, bleeding hearts, iris’, roses, lilies etc.
59. I love gardening and can’t wait to be able to plant flowers, plants, trees, etc again!
60. I’ve really struggled with trusting men, but have gotten better over the last year.
61. I feel very passionately about raising awareness to protect children from molestation and abuse.
62. I try to look for the good in everyone.
63. I love to take pictures, and manage to take some pretty nice ones thanks to luck-not skill! lol
64. I particularly love nature photography.
65. I am a dork, and I love dorky people.
66. I love people who use their brain and inspire me to use mine.
67. I love the sound of thunder.
68. The first time I went to college I was pursuing a degree in secondary music education, and my choral instructor told me that my voice reminded her of a student she had in the past who had received a full ride scholarship to a 4 year university. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve tried it….
69. I’m happy with all of my choices and I look forward to being a dental assistant.
70. I feel very blessed that my boyfriend is so supportive of me.
71. I love to laugh…and laugh at most everything:P
72. I miss going out with a group of girls and having girls nights.
73. I’m slowly rebuilding new friendships and it’s such an exciting, happy period in my life 🙂
74. I love Gone With The Wind. Novel AND move.
75. My role model is Melanie Hamilton. I try to be as kind, gentle, and pure as her….
77. Unfortunately, I am more like Scarlet O’hara…selfish, persevering, and temperamental at times.
78. People always tell me that I’m more like Melanie than Scarlet, but I don’t think they know me well enough. lol.
79. I love Jane Eyre, novel AND movie!
80. I love the way Jane endured the hardships of her life and managed to maintain such a strong outward composure and an inner tenderness.
81. I love Les Miserables…novel and musical. I only got to read half of the book and can’t WAIT to finish it this summer!!!!
82. I love how much these books inspired me and opened my eyes to many things in the world and the lives of others.
83. I don’t know if I believe in God. I’d like to think there is a higher power, but I don’t believe in the bible or any particular God from any one particular religion.
84. I think the bible is an incredible book, when used appropriately.
85. I love kitty cats!
86. I have 2 cats- my old baby boo and a new little kitten who is a psychopath!
87. I have an adorably stupid dog that melts my heart. Well, it’s my boyfriend’s dog really 😛
88. I’m looking forward to going on a float trip with my boyfriend and a bunch of his siblings and a bunch of cousins this summer.
89. Someday, I would love to write a book. It’s a huge struggle to commit that much time to it though!
90. I am an instant gratification kind of person. 😛
91. I can actually be incredibly patient when I need to be.
92. I was blessed with incredibly loving parents. ❤
93. I’m trying to quit drinking soda…
94. I’m on a health kick, but sort of in a rut right now with it.

95. I’m beginning to think I need to look into a personal trainer. I feel like I’d be more motivated with a professional stranger pushing me! lol.
96. I did a 100 Days of Happiness challenge last year and it completely changed my life.
97. I learned that perception is EVERYTHING!
98. I still try to take note of what I’m grateful for/happy about each day.
99. I firmly believe that happiness resides INSIDE of you, not in your surroundings.
100. I’m excited to be starting this blog!

Alrighty then! There’s a little sporadic glimpse into what makes me tick. I look forward to meeting anyone who cares to follow me on this journey! Most of all, I’m excited to get to know you- how you think, what makes you who you are, discover what lessons you can teach me… So yeah…looks like this is really happening! Here’s to the birth of a blog!