Seeing as I’m struggling so much right now, I’m going to try to focus on the positives of today. I haven’t been too good about this lately. I actually already typed a whole lot, but that blog was taking a very deep, beautiful thought provoking journey that was a little too personal and a little too time consuming since I HAVE to get to sleep soon!
So, here goes. I’m only going to focus on the good things with the boyfriend because he’s what I’m struggling with so much right now. Sometimes it can be hard to see the good when you have resentment growing inside you insisting you focus on the bad and analyze every little thing. So, take this resentment. I’m analyzing the good things!
Today certainly wasn’t perfect. There were many things to be grateful for though. I’ll try to keep this short and sweet!
Today I had a moment where my thoughts were really taking a dark path. I was angry and really picking the negativity of the day to pieces over and over again in my mind. Then somehow, my mind took a turn down some really random thoughts about the past and how far I’ve come. Then I came to realize what a strong spirit I have. Ugh, this is going to get too time consuming. I need sleep! Let me just say this. Lately, I keep feeling like the boyfriend is putting out my flame…my umph…It isn’t true though. No one can do that to you unless you allow them to! I began wondering, ‘when did I begin behaving more reserved around him?’ Oh darn it, I can’t sum this up simply enough. Let me just get to the main point: I owe him a LOT. He got me out of a really bad place in my life. I went from being a girl with no real place to call home, no job opportunities except one who wanted to hire me but had no work available so I was on hold for months :P, and I was surrounded by misery. Thanks to him, I was able to move to a better area with numerous job opportunities. I was able to get into an excellent program to further my education and get a better career. I was accepted into an amazing family that I often don’t appreciate enough. This was something I really needed, because since the death of my mom I’ve felt like I have no family myself except my dad. I’ve made some great friends, thanks to him. Most importantly, thanks to him, I’ve been able to build a solid foundation for myself again. He isn’t perfect. He lacks patience. He says really hurtful things when he’s nervous or frustrated. He can be incredibly selfish in many ways. However, when it comes down to it, he always provides what I really need. Whether it be a safe place to call home or a hug. When my laptop died just before I started back to college the first time, he bought me a computer so I could do my online tests. When my car died and I was going to go into debt to get one, he managed to get me a really cheap car that’s been a great car until I can save enough to buy another. Now, today, he bought a vehicle and he’s letting me use his old vehicle until I get another. This one is much nice than the one I’ve been driving 😛 There are just so many instances where he’s really looked out for me. He is the #1 reason I’ve been able to build a better life for myself the last couple of years. Sure, a lot of credit goes to myself for being persistent and accomplishing things. However, I could NEVER have done any of this without him. He’s always looking out for what I really need. I am so grateful to him for that.
Today he bought me food since I’d gone on this long trip with him to drive his car back in case he bought the new vehicle. He’s a bit of a tightwad, I won’t lie. Usually he only wants me to order something cheap. Today I ordered something much more pricey though and he didn’t object at all! I was very happy over this little moment 😛
Seeing him with his niece today made me very happy. He’s so great with children. In all honesty, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy so great with kids. Well, ANYONE so great with kids. lol. Sometimes I do worry about his temper. He has no filter and he phrases things in ways that sound incredibly harsh and hurtful at times. However, I do believe he would be an excellent father. He’d be the best ever if he could learn to control his temper by then 😛
Well, I’m sure there are other sweet things….like when he tricked me into giving him a kiss earlier. That was cute! Or when he talked about how kissing me goodnight was his favorite time of night. lol. Or when he was telling me random facts about the history of dentistry that I never knew he knew! Or hearing him call his mom “mama bear”….yeah, there were lots of cute little sweet moments despite the jerky ones 😛
Now, I have to get to sleep! I should’ve been asleep an hour ago. What an awful attempt at a blog. I pity any soul who tries to read this!